The decision to move a loved one to assisted living can be one of the most difficult and emotional choices we make. It can feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You’re likely to experience a variety of emotions that are rooted in guilt, including regret, worry, and judgment.
This guilt monster is real for so many. Guilt is a natural reaction and means that you care deeply.
The truth is that you’re someone trying to do what’s best for a person you love, even when it’s hard.
Another truth is that even the most loving caregivers have limits. Your energy, time, and resources aren’t infinite. That’s not a selfish take; it’s reality. Assisted living can provide the care your loved one needs while allowing you to maintain your own well-being.
Even when you know that you’re making the best choice, guilt lingers. It pops up at the worst times, like when you’re driving home from a visit or trying to fall asleep. Teams at our Spring Arbor communities understand what you’re experiencing and are here to accompany you on this journey.
Here’s how to tackle that guilt, make the right decision, and even find a way to smile through it.
Why the Guilt Feels So Heavy
- Societal Pressure: Society loves to paint this unrealistic Norman Rockwell picture of families caring for loved ones at home, everyone smiling over a turkey dinner. Reality? It’s more like burnt toast and a lot of tough conversations.
- Your Own Expectations: You probably told yourself, “I’ll take care of Mom no matter what!” back when Mom was 60 and still beating you at Scrabble. It’s okay if circumstances changed.
- Fear of Judgment: Let’s be real, some people will judge. But unless they’re volunteering to help, their opinions can go elsewhere.
How to Know It’s Time
Making the decision isn’t easy, but there are signs that suggest assisted living could be the best option:
- Safety Concerns: Are there frequent falls, wandering, or difficulty managing medications? If you’re worried every time you’re not there, it’s a sign.
- Caregiver Burnout: Be honest with yourself. If you’re feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or resentful, you’re not doing anyone any favors by toughing it out.
- Isolation or Loneliness: If your loved one is spending too much time alone, assisted living can offer social interaction and community.
- Decline in Health or Hygiene: If basic needs aren’t being met, it’s time to consider professional help.
Tips for Overcoming the Guilt
- Reframe the Narrative: Assisted living isn’t “putting them away.” It’s giving your loved one access to care, community, and resources you can’t provide 24/7. You’re not abandoning them; you’re ensuring they’re safe and happy.
- Get Educated: Visit facilities, ask questions, and meet the staff. The more you understand the environment, the more comfortable you’ll feel about the decision.
- Lean on Support: Talk to friends, join caregiver support groups, or even see a therapist. You’re not alone, and sharing your feelings helps lighten the load.
- Involve Your Loved One: Whenever possible, include your loved one in the decision-making process. It’ll help him or her feel empowered and ease your guilt.
- Remember the Why: This isn’t about you. It’s about ensuring they have the best quality of life. Repeat that as many times as necessary.
The Silver Linings
Here’s the part people don’t tell you: moving a loved one to assisted living can actually improve your relationship. Without the stress of caregiving, you can focus on simply spending time together. Visits become about connection, not tasks.
Also, let’s not overlook the perks for them. There are bingo nights, a dining room that doesn’t serve microwaved leftovers, and a built-in social circle. (If your loved one’s anything like my Aunt Margie, they’ll be running the residents’ council in no time.)
Love Looks Like Many Things
The guilt won’t disappear overnight, but it doesn’t have to rule your life. You’re making a decision out of love, not selfishness. So cut yourself some slack, take a deep breath, and remember you’re human, not a superhero. And hey, even superheroes need a sidekick sometimes. For you, that sidekick might just be assisted living.
If you’re considering assisted living for a loved one, Spring Arbor is here to support you. We invite you to visit us or explore our website to learn more about our approach to caring for seniors. Our team is also available just to talk, answer questions, and help you through this process. We’re here to be a resource for you.